This time of the year SUCKS

I really fucken hate this time of year. The amount of bad compare to the amount of good in my life is overwhelming. Among the negative things is my mom and dad's death, multiple grandparents, my several friends. This year alone has seen the death of a cousin, having to put down one of the best pets I've ever had and more money issues then I care to think about. And that just me, I know multiple friends who have had in the family recently and major medical issues this year.

Right now I can help but wonder if we have so many holidays around this time in the rare hopes that it will help offset all the suckage that happen this time of the year.

Now don't get me wrong, there are good memories from this time also. A year ago this last Sunday I married Brit and it’s the one shining moment I can hold on to right now.

Today when I took Brit to lunch after putting Falcor down I realize just how low I was feeling when I order a Whiskey and coke without a second thought. I rarely drink Alcohol these days and I can't remember the last time I had an alcohol before the sun went down, let alone before noon.

Worse part is I don't care, and once I get through legal contracts I need to do for work I think I'm going to break out something strong and let go.

Right now I'm so angry and pissed off I really just want to hit something till it breaks.

Death of a young man and thoughts on death

I need to write before I explode so please bare with me or feel free to skip over this message.

Last night I learned that someone I knew died. Worse he died in the second worse manor I know and the one that is by far most pointless and saddening. He took his own life.

He was a teenager who was at one of the hardest points in life and on the cusp of life become amazing. Sadly he didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and a large part of me plays the what if game concerning that. I know that stupid but doesn't stop my brain from doing it.

Scooter was someone I barely gotten a chance to know, but yet affected me profoundly. He was Brit's cousin and I've met him less than a handful of times. But each time I was impressed with the fact that he was a young man trying to become a man who had a good heart.

Whenever I hung out with him he would ask advice, suggestions and a number of socially awkward questions but good ones about things he will need to know in life.

When I was planning the wedding I made a list of the top ten people I would ask to stand with me that day with so that no matter how many Bridemaids Brit had, I have someone to escort each. Scooter was on that list. In the end I didn't need all 10 and I asked those that didn't make the final cut to be ushers. I could all but feel the excitement from Scooter when I called him and asked. It clearly meant a lot to him that I would trust him to do something that was clearly an adult thing.

Brit's gone num with the news and currently sleeping. This morning we took the day off and went out for breakfast where we occasionally talk, generally about something that lead to the subject of death, or just sat their quietly.

I've known for less than 24 hours and my brain is still trying to wrap around it. No matter how much I try to distract myself I keep thinking about it. Picturing what happen which is a pure fantasy is as I've never been to scooters house.

It's also made me think a lot about people I've lost over time. Which I've lost a lot of people I've realize today. Each one has been different, but it's like each one adds a bit more to this reservoir of feeling about such things that has been building in me since I was a child and remember the first person dying on me.

I know there is very little I can do to stop death and long ago accepted that it's the place that everyone road eventually leads them. I can hope that how that it will change, but also know how destructive that would be.

Doesn't change how I feel.

I keep going back and forth between wanting to just curl up and need to get up and move around.

Most of all I can see how much my wife is hurting and wish I could make that go away.

So many wishes and not a magic lamp or ring in sight.

Random Update

Haven't really posted since my wedding and feel bad about that considering how much has happened.

Brit and I are getting settle in thought there a rough patches now and then. Mainly it's just integrating our habits and preferences concerning things. They say any relationship is give and take. But it’s odd that once you married that becomes more so. I can't explain why but after the wedding living together had a different feel. Not a bad feel mind you, I love Brit and wouldn't trade her for the world. But it's odd.

I'm still going to the gym though for a while I took a break. When I got back from Rome I hurt my neck and for about 2 months didn't go to the gym while it healed. It’s still sore now and then but it’s much better. The best guess is that carrying my camera around like I was on my next strap tweaked it. I know picking up the 28 pound turkey for thanksgiving is what did it in.

Recent changes to the house include some new furniture Brit picked up, blinds and curtains. It’s looking really nice and Craig says that I’m a real adult now because I have curtains.

Speaking of Craig, he proposed to Kim which I’m really excited for them. Sadly they are planning to move to North Carolina in July. I’m going to miss them a lot.

Currently working on the project of clearing up Brit’s and my debt, right now, not count the car and house we have about 17K of debt. About half of which is Brit’s, but all hers is lower interested rates then my debt. We got a really good tax return coming so we’re hoping to take a chunk out of that this month.

On the 17th looking forward to strapping on a jet pack. My wonderful wife and family bought me a gift certificate for Christmas to try out a cool water propelled jet pack.