I need to write before I explode so please bare with me or feel free to skip over this message.
Last night I learned that someone I knew died. Worse he died in the second worse manor I know and the one that is by far most pointless and saddening. He took his own life.
He was a teenager who was at one of the hardest points in life and on the cusp of life become amazing. Sadly he didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and a large part of me plays the what if game concerning that. I know that stupid but doesn't stop my brain from doing it.
Scooter was someone I barely gotten a chance to know, but yet affected me profoundly. He was Brit's cousin and I've met him less than a handful of times. But each time I was impressed with the fact that he was a young man trying to become a man who had a good heart.
Whenever I hung out with him he would ask advice, suggestions and a number of socially awkward questions but good ones about things he will need to know in life.
When I was planning the wedding I made a list of the top ten people I would ask to stand with me that day with so that no matter how many Bridemaids Brit had, I have someone to escort each. Scooter was on that list. In the end I didn't need all 10 and I asked those that didn't make the final cut to be ushers. I could all but feel the excitement from Scooter when I called him and asked. It clearly meant a lot to him that I would trust him to do something that was clearly an adult thing.
Brit's gone num with the news and currently sleeping. This morning we took the day off and went out for breakfast where we occasionally talk, generally about something that lead to the subject of death, or just sat their quietly.
I've known for less than 24 hours and my brain is still trying to wrap around it. No matter how much I try to distract myself I keep thinking about it. Picturing what happen which is a pure fantasy is as I've never been to scooters house.
It's also made me think a lot about people I've lost over time. Which I've lost a lot of people I've realize today. Each one has been different, but it's like each one adds a bit more to this reservoir of feeling about such things that has been building in me since I was a child and remember the first person dying on me.
I know there is very little I can do to stop death and long ago accepted that it's the place that everyone road eventually leads them. I can hope that how that it will change, but also know how destructive that would be.
Doesn't change how I feel.
I keep going back and forth between wanting to just curl up and need to get up and move around.
Most of all I can see how much my wife is hurting and wish I could make that go away.
So many wishes and not a magic lamp or ring in sight.
Last night I learned that someone I knew died. Worse he died in the second worse manor I know and the one that is by far most pointless and saddening. He took his own life.
He was a teenager who was at one of the hardest points in life and on the cusp of life become amazing. Sadly he didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and a large part of me plays the what if game concerning that. I know that stupid but doesn't stop my brain from doing it.
Scooter was someone I barely gotten a chance to know, but yet affected me profoundly. He was Brit's cousin and I've met him less than a handful of times. But each time I was impressed with the fact that he was a young man trying to become a man who had a good heart.
Whenever I hung out with him he would ask advice, suggestions and a number of socially awkward questions but good ones about things he will need to know in life.
When I was planning the wedding I made a list of the top ten people I would ask to stand with me that day with so that no matter how many Bridemaids Brit had, I have someone to escort each. Scooter was on that list. In the end I didn't need all 10 and I asked those that didn't make the final cut to be ushers. I could all but feel the excitement from Scooter when I called him and asked. It clearly meant a lot to him that I would trust him to do something that was clearly an adult thing.
Brit's gone num with the news and currently sleeping. This morning we took the day off and went out for breakfast where we occasionally talk, generally about something that lead to the subject of death, or just sat their quietly.
I've known for less than 24 hours and my brain is still trying to wrap around it. No matter how much I try to distract myself I keep thinking about it. Picturing what happen which is a pure fantasy is as I've never been to scooters house.
It's also made me think a lot about people I've lost over time. Which I've lost a lot of people I've realize today. Each one has been different, but it's like each one adds a bit more to this reservoir of feeling about such things that has been building in me since I was a child and remember the first person dying on me.
I know there is very little I can do to stop death and long ago accepted that it's the place that everyone road eventually leads them. I can hope that how that it will change, but also know how destructive that would be.
Doesn't change how I feel.
I keep going back and forth between wanting to just curl up and need to get up and move around.
Most of all I can see how much my wife is hurting and wish I could make that go away.
So many wishes and not a magic lamp or ring in sight.
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